17 Jun 2015

IVF with donor eggs: the emotional, physical and financial strain

Research from Spain reveals the chances of a woman having a baby through IVF is only 1.3 per cent in those aged 44 or older compared with a 24 per cent success rate in those aged 38 to 39. So, say the researchers, women should be advised to have IVF with donor eggs instead of their own when they reach 44.

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That is precisely what happened to me. After years of failed fertility treatment, my consultant said I should think about egg donation. I was 45 by that stage. By the time I had had my last IVF using my own eggs I had already been told the success rate was about 5 per cent. But it meant nothing to me. There is a form of addiction attached to fertility treatment.

You go through (the reasonably unpleasant) process, it fails, you cry, you rage, you wipe your tears and then you think just one more go. You think next time it will work. You think if I don’t do it I might be denying myself the chance of desperately longed for motherhood. So you throw that dice once again. And then again after that. All the time becoming more despairing and closer to having to let go of that cherished dream.

And there are some clinics that collude with this. Who say to the would-be – but might-never-be – parents, ‘I’m sure we can help you, just have another go and we will tweak the medication, we will do a soft IVF or a throw-the-works at it IVF.’ My consultant did not do this to us. He said, ‘That’s enough, you need to stop now.’ And so we did, because in our hearts we knew those were wise words. We knew that now the odds were so stacked against us it was pointless to carry on.

So we went home, we did some more crying, we looked at our ever-diminishing bank balance and we agreed that if it was to ever happen we should try egg donation. In fact, it didn’t work the first time. To our surprise and horror. Because it had never occurred to us that having taken that step that there could be failure.

Yet the success rate for egg donation, while significantly better than IVF using your own eggs, is still only between about 25 per cent to 40 per cent. Our second attempt did work and at the age of 47 I became a mother and I am forever grateful for
the wise advice of our consultant.

So the researchers are right. Women should be better advised. But there is more to it than that. Because it doesn’t take into account how difficult – emotionally, physically and financially – it is to make that decision.

It doesn’t take into account that moment when you have to say if I am going to have a baby this way it is not going to be genetically mine. For some people that is simply a step too far. I can’t pretend that I didn’t think that at the beginning although the desire to be a mother far outweighed those concerns.

And now, when I look at her, I don’t think those eyes aren’t like mine, or that hair isn’t the same colour. I look at her and think how lucky and how blessed we are to have our beautiful daughter.

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