We also hear that Man Utd beat Chelsea in a thrilling final. Shame we missed that – what with all this hard work. After the game…err…CBS, we head for NBC. They talk us though their new shows that will hit the network between September and March. We see a reel of Kings starring Ian McShane and then we’re out into the final few hours of LA sunshine before the red-eye home. Err… that is as soon we can find the valet parking guy with our car keys…

We see a couple more shows – Middle Man (about a middle man) and Samurai Girl (about a samurai girl) and have further executive presentations during which one of the Romanian buyers suddenly releases a huge, adenoidal snore. I’d blame the jet lag… That night we are invited to meet Pamela Anderson, who has a new show for E! She forces me to take photographs with her. It would be unforgivably rude to say no.

We’re shown through the beautiful historic lot to our screening room, where our aged projectionist (hunkered amongst his whirring devices) looks as though he had the studio built around him. First we watch comedy Do Not Disturb and a number of presentation reels. Then we see The Ex-List about a 33-year-old searching for love (I feel your pain, sister) and a 10-minute clip of Dollhouse, Joss Whedon’s new network show.

We left Julie and headed for Sony. They have many shows in development and a new drama for A&E called The Beast. Patrick Swayze stars as a cop who may be on the take – the swine. We are invited for dinner at the home of Warners’ head honcho, which is a grand and lavish affair. JJ Abrams is there and we end up, perhaps unexpectedly, bonding over a shared enthusiasm for Laurel and Hardy. Our US consultant Crispin (our mole, our insider) starts performing elaborate magic tricks for JJ. He now has his own show on the CW network. Only in Hollywood.

Peter Ligouri, their Entertainment Chair, was very excited about the new shows his network will be airing. First up in their schedule was Fringe from Lost creator JJ Abrams, a sort of scientific X-Files starring Joshua Jackson – the nice boy from Dawson’s Creek. Then there was Dollhouse from Joss Whedon, about a secret organisation that implants skills into their operatives. A neat trick, I thought, seeing the potential applications for some people I know…

Fox also made the biggest announcement of the week: 24 is to be the first carbon neutral production. Baffled by eco-science and green-talk, I was both impressed and puzzled. Leaving the Upfront, we were confronted by lumbering cows penned up on the street. It was either a promotional gimmick connected to Fringe… or I’d drunk too much at lunch. Or, conceivably, a combination of the two.

In the afternoon it was CBS at Carnegie Hall. Scot Craig Ferguson, who presents The Late Late Show for CBS, was our master of ceremonies. Showing a crude but commendable loyalty to the small screen, he suggested that radio is “TV for blind people who drive to work”. I suspect he also holds the world record for saying the word “awesome”. He says it a lot. That is definitely not awesome.

Show highlights included the remake of the BBC show The Worst Week of My Life and ITV’s Eleventh Hour (is there a pattern forming?). They also had The Mentalist, a new drama starring Simon Baker as a Derren Brown type who turns detective and can “read” people to solve crimes. And then there was The Greatest American Dog, about a beagle that becomes a neurosurgeon, redistributing his wealth to the poor and needy. It’s possible I’ve made the last one up.

However… there was only one new drama in the fall schedule: the remake of Life on Mars. The summer schedule included I Survived a Japanese Game Show and Wipeout… both looking like the cult classic Takeshi’s Castle. Pain and abject humiliation – the twin pillars of quality television.

Next was CW. They declared that, demographically, they’re chasing 18- to 34-year-old women. In any other context that kind of disclosure would necessitate a call to the local law enforcement agency. The presentation began with Maroon 5 playing to an audience greedily feasting on shrimp and white wine. It made it difficult to hear head honcho Dawn Ostroff so I craftily skimmed her autocue instead. (”Good afternoon everybody… move stage left… I’m Dawn Ostroff… move stage right”).

CW had some big high profile announcements in 90210 (”You want to live in the Zip, you got to be part of the code” is the tagline – with a worrying duality of meaning). They also unveiled Surviving the Filthy Rich (now called Privileged), which I felt I was very much in the process of doing.

As the seafood and Chablis continued to be gulped down by gluttonous advertisers, I made my excuses and left, picking up an absinthe lollipop that CW kindly provided as a leaving gift.

Security was tight, with a number of brisk uniforms demanding to see my underwhelming ‘credentials’. But once in, we were grinningly greeted by the orthodontic wizardry of the Deal Or No Deal ‘models’ – towering temptresses with radiant tans and red leotards, who station the numbered cases in the US version of the show. It is a very different game across the pond. They do bikinis. We do beards.

I had my photograph taken with some terrifying characters from the new Mummy film, followed by a snap with Janice Dickinson. Revisiting the pictures, it took a surprisingly forensic eye to tell them apart. If you’re reading this Janice – I’m joking. A little. After dodging the queue to meet some hulking American footballers (they are taller than me sitting down – seven foot in every direction, boxes of muscle and menace) The NBC Experience was drawing to a close. I had my yearly chat with actor Damien Lewis (”Oh yes…I remember you” he said “…you look like Ken Livingstone”. This is a familiar accusation in London – but you don’t expect it in America.) I dashed to a closing photographic session with Christian Slater and the US stars of Kath & Kim, Molly Shannon and Selma Blair.

And then, euphoric and giddy, I made my way out into the blaring streets of gridlocked New York… What an experience, I thought. But I sensed one small thing was missing at the event…what was it? Oh yes – nobody had talked about the shows…