Neil Morrissey’s Risky Business blogger: Melissa Cole – week 2

Melissa Cole, beer writer and author of popular beer blog Girl’s guide to beer: Taking the beard out of beer, gives us the lowdown on the second instalment of Neil Morrissey’s beer brewing show…

Last night when the voiceover announced: ‘Neil Morrisey and Richard Fox are running out of money, time and patience’, all I could think was ‘welcome to the world of pubs and brewing boys!’.

You see, the whole of the brewing industry and the pub trade is designed to part you from your money as quickly as possible and chocolate box country inns are often the downfall of many an experienced pub entrepreneur, let alone those not so experienced.

Sadly, these fabulous-looking historic pubs are a bit like those sexy Eastern block stunners that male spies always fall for in big blockbusters – they nearly always turn out to be a honey trap.

And, just like those languid lovelies, 16th century coaching inns, like the Ye Olde Punch Bowl, will turn on you in a heartbeat – and what you thought was a unique beauty will turn out to be an avaricious, treacherous bitch that’ll try and take you for everything you’ve got.

And the perils of the great adventure that is opening a brewpub don’t end with being taken in by a pretty face, either. You’ll have the Dr Evil-esque environmental health officers who want to turn down a micro brewery planning application on the grounds of ’smell’…

There is nothing finer than the fragrance of brewing! The rich, biscuity aroma of mashing in, the honeyed smell of wort running off and the spicy scent of the hop boil create a fragrance that Calvin Klein and Chanel combined couldn’t come up with on their best day.

But at least, on the side of good, Tim Ashton has come on board with the boys to try and help them navigate through the world of brands marketing – setting up photoshoots with epically talented Rankin and creating a cover story for the lads.

He kind of reminds me of a Q-type character crossed with the cynical partner-style role in this tale; you know the sort, can hack into every computer/satellite/mobile phone in the world – and who is constantly in our hero’s earpiece saying things like: ‘You’ve got 20 seconds to get out before it blows’ or, as the spy is seduced by the hottie: ‘I dunno, I just don’t trust her’.

But whilst he might know about quantum marketing and brand creation, there’s something he can never recognise – that the honey trap actually can be wooed. You just have to be very forgiving of treacherous behaviour and have very deep pockets to get the very best out of her.

Next week we’ll find out if the boys have been utterly betrayed by Ye Olde Punch Bowl or have a new love for life…

Catch up on the first episode and second episode of Neil Morrissey’s Risky Business.

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